It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
