So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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