tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
