It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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