Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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