i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I