i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
