They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
