thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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