I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
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And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
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Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I pour the whiskey from now on