My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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