with your own penis?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
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i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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