Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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