i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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