I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.