I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
