I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
