I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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