were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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