The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
