called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
