So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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