Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
