I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
