She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
