Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
