After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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