I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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