You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
