Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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