I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
