phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
