Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
