i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
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Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
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She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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