so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
