so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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