I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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