Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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