Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
