Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
they're like a gay fantastic four
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
