I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
