i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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