His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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