Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize