My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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