I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
