I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
