Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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