Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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