i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
