WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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