I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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