be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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