its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Still dying that you shit outside
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
