I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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