Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
